What Can I Do?
by HPVDGleeLoVeR
Summary: "Most of all, I wish that when she says she had a bad day, that she knew that all I want to do is make it better. Or help her, comfort her, hold her. Something." Rachel needs a little advice...
1. Chapter 1

Well, where to start. I, Rachel Berry, call Quinn Fabray each night before bed. Well actually, let me rephrase that. I say goodnight to Quinn Fabray every night. The correction is because sometimes I end up settling for just texting her.

The goodnight is so that she knows each and every night that someone out there cares. And is there for her and listening. This is also why I tell her at least once a week that I leave my phone on for calls even through the middle of the night. She's remembered it once, so I keep that in place in case she ever needs me.

Despite what has happened in our past Quinn and I have gotten close in the last year. It is now December in our senior year and I couldn't be happier.

Scratch that...Well... I mean I could actually... Be happier...

You see, I have this tendency to overthink some things. Okay, so not just some things, everything. And when it comes to Quinn. It really is everything. What her text responses are, whether they contain a smiley, or the way she doesn't say I love you back sometimes, but othertimes that she loves me more than anything.

Okay that's not what i'm talking about right now though. I guess over analyzing isn't the problem as much as my... Well my need for her is. Maybe I over analyze that...

I need to talk to her everyday. And i know what you think, it's not just a want, it's a need. I need to talk to her for longer than the 30 seconds we can in school and see her more than that and the hour in glee that we are too busy to talk during.

This is why I call. This is why I text. This is why the goodbye is necessary.

It's also why I try to hang out with her at least once a week. Either at her house or mine, watching tv, doing homework, or just sitting talking, she keeps me calm. It is the best part of my week. No matter what's on my mind it either disappears or she helps me with it.

When we're talking or watching tv, I always want to scoot up close to her. I like contact, early in life I discovered I was always the calmest when I am holding someone or someone is holding me. She knows this and when we sit down and we're close she leans into me, allowing my arm to encircle her. That or she sits really close, and just grabs my hand, knowing even that contact is enough.

My problem is that now that it is getting closer to the end of the semester and holiday season she is constantly busy. Not to say that I have no life, but my life consists of things I do at home, besides glee and a short weekly afterschool meeting with a club, that can be rescheduled or pushed aside.

If I was planning on practicing my scales at 7:00 and Quinn called asking if I wanted to go over to her house or she wanted to come over to my house, the scales would not even be in my mind anymore. She makes everything else disappear with one text or call. I would ask my dads quickly, they'd say yes, and i'd drive over.

With her though... It's not that she isn't willing to do stuff with me or for me, but that she has other things do to with her church, cheerios and dance classes. I know her whole schedule almost every week and I try so hard to work around it to find a day that works for her and I both.

It used to be so easy. Sunday nights she had nothing going on, or Monday i would be able to go over right after school. But now... It's not that she is "busy" at those times, but that they are her only time not doing homework to relax.

The way I see it, I want to just be with her. No matter if it's just to sit with her afterschool for an hour or spend my sunday night helping with her homework.

The way she seems to see it is that if I really want to, fine, but otherwise there will be better days soon. Or that she is too exhausted. Or has a headache. Or it was a bad day. And believe me, I know that these are not excuses. I know that she is not ignoring me. And I know that she cares about me.

I just wish she would understand how I feel about it all. I wish she knew that when she says she's exhausted that all I want to do is go over and get into her bed with her and have her fall asleep with her head on my shoulder as I rub circles on her arm. I wish she knew that when she says she has a headache I want to do the same, only have her lay her head on my stomach so i can massage her head, like we did last time she was over and got a migraine.

Most of all, I wish that when she says she had a bad day, that she knew that all I want to do is make it better. Or help her, comfort her, hold her. Something.

I just wish she knew that after saying any of these things I worry. I worry even when she hasn't said it, but that's what she means. I think about her until I know she is alright, or will be. I think about her constantly because I don't know what is going on and i want to so bad.

But that's the problem isn't it. That I want to know things and be with her, but she is too busy and I want too much.

Is it too much? To want to see your best friend at least once in a week or two week period for longer than 5 minutes. To hear their voice for longer than 15.

Right now I feel like utter and complete crap. My heart is racing like i have anxiety, my stomach feels like i am about to be sick and my thoughts are racing faster than my heart.

This has been happening at night, when I realize yet another day has passed without having Faberry times(Yeah I have a name for it). It physically hurts because I have things to tell her and I want to be calm in a way that only she can bring out when we are cuddled together. And. I just can't. The things are piling up and so is my stress level. Thank God I get to still see her long enough for a hug at school or i'd explode.

I still text her nightly, but without having seen her in the two weeks it has been, texting just isn't enough. The usual "hey, hi, sup" doesn't work for me when all I want her to do is as me to go over. Or tell me that she is kidnapping me again like she did this summer when she didn't want to hang at home anymore so we went to the forest preserve. And when she doesn't ask, and she doesn't say she misses me as I have a few times, it hurts. Not because she doesn't miss me, because I know she does. But it hurts because even though she misses me, she doesn't miss me as much as I miss her. She doesn't want or need me to the extent that i do her.

It makes me feel stupid. For feeling so much for someone who, I know loves and cares about me, but for me not thinking thats enough. I need to be okay with not seeing her, but i'm not. And i won't be anytime soon.

I feel stupid and like i'm in too deep a hole that I dug myself because I can't handle it, but don't know how to or want to get out and it's my fault..

_Rachel, you're not stupid and nothing to be faulted..._

Please Miss. Pillsbury, i'm not finished.

_Actually Rachel, for now, unless you wish to stay through your Glee rehearsal and not hear my comments, you are done. You've established that you say goodnight to Quinn because you care for her, perhaps too deeply in your eyes, and you just wish for her to understand how you feel and how you believe it is your fault you are in this predicament and here talking to me._

Well in fewer words, yes, that is correct... What do you think Miss. Pillsbury? Am I wrong in what I feel? What can I do?

* * *

So guys, go ahead and play the role of Miss. Pillsbury. Let's see if this gets you guys interested. I'll post the best advice at the top of my next entry. I can't promise when that will be, but I can promise that it is already started and will be posted in time. Also, "Only Quinn Fabray" is finished and I have an idea for "She Would Be Mine" ending that isn't ready to be written yet;) review and comment please, I know this is kinda different than my others.


	2. Chapter 2

Miss. Pillsbury, I realize that it has been months since our last meeting and that I neglected to show up to the follow up, but I figured with us having just finished our senior year, i should give you an update.

Just three days ago I was thinking back to what I had said in our previous session. I thought about what I felt back then and the reason was because I was feeling that way again. The situation has changed, which i'll fill you in on later in this session, but I felt as if I wasn't getting enough time with her or was going to see her.

Then I thought back to your advice (filmaddict) about being honest, but not too harsh, because it would keep me sane. Well I planned on telling her how I felt about what we talked about the next time she was feeling exhausted and decided I shouldn't go over. Funny part is, she did the exuhasted thing two days ago at the exact hour we were supposed to meet, yet 10 min after I sadly accepted this and began plotting my speech for why this was wrong, she texted saying I should go over anyways.

It was as if she finally understood, if only slightly, that it did not matter where we were or what we were doing, it just mattered that I was with her.

Before I go any further, let me briefly explain how the circumstances have slightly changed. We now do not text or call nightly because she felt we were getting too close in comparison to her closeness to Santana, her childhood friend and though she may be bitchy to everyone else, she's like a sister to Quinn. It bothered her to know we were that close after only being close friends for a little under two years and that she wasn't even that close to Santana. You can see how this would bother me because of what I said last session. But after the initial withdrawal... Withdrawal being a relative term, considering I did still see her everyday, it was okay. We still talked every other day, maybe not on weekend, but it worked out. Do i miss the "goodnight" texts with a little heart following them? Of course, but I got through it and now when I get those texts after having a conversation it still brings me the same joy without the pain on the nights it doesn't happen. To conclude, seeing as I did say brief, she was really busy for a really long time after the stopping goodnights and then we had to work on a major project together for glee, I spent the night at her house 3 times in the last week of school, and we are back into a new familiar swing of things. Over all the bumps and hills we made it through together.

The other day when I felt upset about not seeing her it was because I know she acknowledges the fact that we're going to 2 different schools more than I do. She thought we should not hang out too much this summer as to not be shocked when we go off into different worlds. I, however, thought we should make the best of every moment we could have together and that is what I intend to do.

She must have ended up agreeing to that in some sort because we just spent two days tanning, eating, talking, reading, sitting, watching tv, eating, shopping with her mom, stopping by the school, and ..well ..zumba... Ha.. Anyways, it was probably two of the best days i've had merely because they were spent with her. We probably only talked 55% of the time, all the rest was comfortable basking in the others presence and just being ourselves sitting doing what we do. And it was perfect, let me tell you, it was just perfect.

Yesterday I spent the entire day with her. From noon until 11! We met up, went to the school to say hi to Mr. Shue and look at our nationals trophy OUR glee project helped win, went shopping, went to lunch, ate and watched TV, sat and watched more TV, went shopping again with her mom, and then we zumba-ed. It was me getting to go with her to run everyday errands, and me sitting with her while watching HER regular shows. It was me seeing that she really has realized a little. She now seems to acknowledge that I don't mind if its sitting on her couch or travelling cross-country, i want to be by her side. We have to still work on the sickness thing, but at least exhausted was kinda sorta taken off the list! She also had seemingly thrown the keeping a distance thing out, since she plans on seeing me a 5 days from now and then also the two days following!

Alright, I realize my time is dwindling so the last thing I want to discuss is how I felt during our second shopping trip. I like my sweaters and skirts and headbands, but she decided she needed a dress for herself for graduation and that we had to get me one also. It's not that i hate shopping, it's just that i hate shopping without knowing almost exactly what you're looking for. I have dresses I like, thus I don't have an idea of a new one in mind. Now you may ask how I lasted through two shopping trips with her that day, but the answer must seem obvious after the topic of my two sessions.

I was with her. I got to help her carry her clothes around and tell her if I thought an outfit looked okay and joke with her about all the obnoxious designs that are now being sold. 3 hours listening to her and her mother on and off bicker about the topic of the day and the sizes of her chosen clothes, were also 3 hours spend laughing at the model displays and telling her that the swimsuit did fit perfectly.

There was a moment that was off though... She was in the dressing room forever and I looked around at the others in the waiting area, all male and all, like me, were holding various items the girl they were accompanying intended on buying. It was odd, seeing myself being in such a similar situation to these men, yet... I didn't mind. I actually liked the feeling a little.

_Rachel you haven't really presented any main problem to me so far, so I like the update, but why do I feel like you're here for more?_

I am happy today Miss. Pillsbury. Just as i was happy the day before. I am happy to have a friend like her, happy that she is understanding, and happy she makes me feel this way...I am also happy that she is happy with her boyfriend of 5 months... Because I am happy, and now I can be happy that she's happy, even if I am not the what providing the majority of that anymore. I think my "what can I do" question is more like, how does a best friend (me) become okay with going from being your(quinn) most highly regarded source of comfort and joy, to being pushed (even though just slightly) away because of a boy whom you, only 5 months in, believe you are going to marry in the future?

Don't get me wrong, i'm happy if she is happy, I will be here regardless of the outcome with said boy and I am happy with where we are right now, truly, and I want her to get all she dreams for, l just want myself to be included in those dreams and to understand how bestfriends around the world think of this too.

Any words of wisdom?


End file.
